“Do you love me because I’m beautiful, or am I beautiful because you love me?” - Cinderella
I can pinpoint – very specifically – the event of my childhood that set me up for lifelong disappointment in my romantic endeavors. This event created, what I now understand (after very few successes and repeated failures) are unattainable dreams, hopes and expectations of love.
It was the day my grandmother took my older sister and I to a movie theater to view our very first Disney film: Cinderella.
Yes. I am blaming Disney for my failed attempts at love. Go ahead and snicker if you will, but I’ll have you know that thanks to Disney’s version of Cinderella, I – and countless other little girls – learned at a very impressionable age that “someday my prince will come” to save me from drudgery and loneliness. I was led to believe that when Prince Charming arrives all my worries (especially financial) will cease to be, along with all the horrible people in my life.
From Cinderella, I jumped to Snow White, where I learned a catchy little tune to sing while I work, but again I found that Prince Charming was on his way to rescue me from an ugly hag (a stand-in for being an old maid, perhaps?). Only a kiss from her one true love can save Sleeping Beauty from an eternal coma. Fast-forward a decade or so to Beauty and the Beast where I learned that if Belle could search deeply enough in her heart to find some love and immense forgiveness for the Beast’s ghastly behavior that he would eventually turn into her “true love.” Hell, even Ariel, The Little Mermaid, had to abandon her family, her whole world and sell her soul to get land legs so she’s be attractive to her Prince Charming.
As silly as it may sound, these ideas settled deeply into my young heart, turning me into a truly hopeless romantic. The feminist pragmatist that I am now cringes as I write that, but alas, I feel it is time to openly admit that – yes, I am a romantic. I adore dancing close to the man I love in the grocery store aisle to melancholy love songs sung by Barry Manilow. I believe in chivalry and I love the way I feel when my man guides me through a crowded cocktail party by the small of my back. I enjoy when my man takes over things around the house, puts the tent up when we go camping and when he brings me daisies after we’ve had an argument.
The ugly truth is that Prince Charming does not exist in any recognizable form…and when someone resembling him has shown up in my life I have nearly always been the one to save him. There have been no white horses, no castles, no singing animals and only one carriage ride to date. At this point, I’d settle for the court jester. His jokes might get old after a while, but at least I’d have a built-in babysitter.
I don’t want to sound too cynical, yet of all the Disney films from my childhood, I think Bambi is the only one that has deep truth within it. Due to events beyond our control, the people we love and depend upon for love (and safety) are taken away from us. We are left alone to find our way through the woods. Along the way we make friends who accompany us on our journey, and through the harrowing adventures of life these friends become family. Thankfully, I have found such friends along my journey through the woods, which are far less scary with them by my side.
Sadly, I’ve learned that singing to animals will not inspire them to sew ball gowns for me and that most beasts are simply that – beasts. Most importantly, I’ve learned that if I ever do take a carriage ride in a pumpkin, I must return home before the stroke of midnight…even if I do “accidentally” leave one of my Franco Sarto’s behind for you-know-who to find.
This is such a well-thought-out, well-written essay. I can feel the anger, the pain and bewilderment. Share ‘em, too. I’d never thought of it this way before, but you’re so right — it’s we who save them. When’s Disney gonna write *that* screenplay? (holds breath … )
The problem is that nobody teaches men how to be Prince Charming for more than a moment at a time, and to one woman at a time. And don’t forget, if we have to be Prince Charming, you are obliged to be Snow White, Cinderella, Rapunzel, and all those other unattainable Disney characters rolled up into one.
But I don’t think it’s fair to blame Disney for having inhuman, cartoonish expectations about love. For that, we have to blame our parents, or (god forbid) ourselves. And then grow up, a little.
Well put Physician. Thanks for the comment. I could (and do!) blame my parents, but fact is that they actually did have a “dreamy” relationship, which is the example I am trying to replicate (in my own way). In your opinion, who’s responsibility is it to teach men to be Prince Charming?
In the absence of a clear line of responsibility beyond the self and parents, I’m going with that again. The sad truth is that we’re all just making up our lives as we go along. If we’re too weak to choose what’s good for us and for the people we have relationships with, or if we find ourselves in relationships with people even weaker or more damaged than ourselves (which happens to many, myself included) then our desire to be Charming tarnishes. There are a thousand slogans for how we ought to be, but darn few moments of clarity that can serve as guides to current or future behavior. My best advice is to choose men who treat you well over a long period of time, then don’t betray them. Reward good behavior. Have a positive impact on the dating scene. And for gosh sakes, be honest with yourself and with others at all possible times.
As a bald, slightly over-weight, white, middle-aged recovering romantic, an ongoing disease not unlike other addictions, I refrain from commenting on how romance between women and men will never be fulfilled, and who’s to blame. It would only propel me into remission.
In a larger context, if our children’s maturations are so negatively affected by “Cinderella” and “Snow White,” to which I agree, affecting men as equally as women, what damage is caused by video games like “Grand Theft Auto” or even television shows like “Gilligan’s Island,” where fat people are always bullies and skinny ones comic. Assuming a parent will discuss the fictionalized absurdity of a matinee cartoon romance with a child is a high expectation, but perhaps one we should have.
Like I know anything about raising a family, or growing up.
oh my dear krista. who needs a prince? certainly not a strong, beautiful, compassionate person such as yourself.
you don’t need a prince.
if you need anything (which i don’t think you do) you need a man. a real man, who knows how to treat not a princess, but a woman. i know, they are few and far between, but i wouldn’t waste your time searching.
if you don’t “find” one, you are certainly better off without than with a “prince” who can’t follow through being charming day after day.
love you, just the way you are!
Other things I’ve learned from Disney movies: Stepmothers suck, and I’m glad my parents are still married.
Mirrors are evil, and avoid them at all costs.
Monkeys might be fun normally, but if you give them hallucinogens, they are awesome.
No matter how sad something is, an Elton John soundtrack makes it all better.
Non-blood relatives are always out to get you.
Animals are the best companions, because people generally suck.
If you are getting married and the priest gets a boner, it’s no big deal.
http://www.slipups.com/images/items/164.full.jpg
After visiting last month, I have no doubt you’ll be a-ok.
a heartfelt thanks to Jill. you’re right. my need for a charming man is far greater than my need for a prince. i’m not spending another moment in search. he’ll have be the one to search me out. i’ve got a whole world to explore and too many mountains to climb – literally.
mike, i loved your post. hysterically funny, but only because it hits so close to the truth. and i sincerely appreciated the laugh i got from the cartoon still. i’m actively searching for a couple dogs to fill my home…and i know with all certainty that i will be a-ok !
Physician: whomever you are, i’ve enjoyed your comments. i agree with you, in part. i believe in full and total honesty – with myself and with the people in my life. my friends will attest to this as being one of my strongest attributes. i have found the confusion often erupts in moments of honesty with people (to borrow your words) “too weak to choose what’s good for us and for the people we have relationships with, or if we find ourselves in relationships with people even weaker or more damaged than ourselves” which is very illustrative of my most recent failed relationship. a sad, but true, fact. may i inquire about the pressure upon men to be “prince charming” and where is it that men feel the most pressure from?
William: i think that if, as parents, we choose to introduce our children to the “wonderful world of Disney” then we need to be prepared to have discussions to teach our kids to be critical about the assumptions that are alive in the world. i am now considering myself a “recovering romantic”. i’m so looking forward to your visit this weekend! i’ll check the weather forcast! and bring your hiking shoes. we’re heading up to mt. lemmon for a solid day hike!
Krista what a great dialogue! We are all learning. I have opened a million doors for a million Princesses. I have offered to do heavy lifting etc… Very often the Princess is embarrassed or worse yet put off. Sometimes a gesture goes unrecognized. It is very gratifying when the prince in me is seen. Just like in the movie” The Little Princess” all girls young and old are Princesses. Likewise all boys are princes. We have our moments, boys and girls, we just need to notice each other. Sometimes the action is very subtle but no less hard to do. A princess is just a girl that is able to spot the actions of a prince nomatter what the boy looks like.
Bob